A Shinigami Christmas
by max3833
Summary: Yamato is Santa Claus? Hitsugaya freezes Soul Soceity? Shuuhei shops at Petsmart? And why the heck is Aizen acting all Grinchy? Find out this and more, by reading about the Shinigami's first Christmas!


Disclaimer: I do not own anything Bleach, but I do own a lot of Christmas stuff.

A Shinigami Christmas

The instant he heard the loud pitch yelling of Yachiru, Captain Toushiro Hitsugaya knew there was trouble afoot. It did not take long before he heard men rushing around, screams resonating across the Soul Society.

Now, after the pink blur had been brought to the ground by the combined forces of squads One, Six and Eight, the captains had been called to their monthly, "What Damage Lieutenant Kusajishi Just Caused Meeting."

As was customary, Yachiru was locked in a cage made of Pure Soul Stone, which she was currently just trying to gnaw her way out of. It was actually quite humorous, if not for the fact that she would actually break free from it within the next few minutes.

"Now Captain Zaraki," The grand commander Yamamoto said to the adopted father of the pink haired menace, "what is it this time that has caused the lieutenant to go on a rampage?"

"Beats me," Zaraki said, "She just came in shouting about some Earth holiday after spending some with Ichigo, when…"

"Yachiru!" as if by some work of God, at that exact moment, Ichigo Kurosaki, Substitute Shinigami and all around pain in the behind, crashed into the meeting room, "Why did you run off? I was just showing you the…" Ichigo suddenly took that exact moment to realize that he had ten captains staring at him, their attitudes ranging from pissed to happy.

"On second thought, I'll just be heading back to the world of the living about now," he said, and just as he nearly escaped from the door, a swift hand grabbed his ankle.

"Now Ichigo," the completely innocent sounding voice of Retsu Unohona, "We need you to explain in front of several incredibly ticked off Captains why the Soul Society is in such bad disrepair."

No one could tell, but Ichigo could feel the sadism dripping off the words she spoke. As the door began to close in front of him, he was only able to release one final gasp.

"Mommy."

* * *

"So," Ichigo, who now found himself in a cage beside Yachiru, began to explain, "I was just minding my own business when put of the blue," He then pointed at the pink haired girl, "That little monster showed up!" his attitude returned to normal, "and of course, I had to find a way to deal with her. So I called Urahara, and he said he'd get a portal right up and ready for her."

"So, knowing I had about two hours to kill, I decided that the best thing to do was take her where there are a lot of crazy kids," he then coughed, "So I took her to the mall."

"That doesn't explain why she called me Santa," Yamato said, "or why she thought that Zaraki's original name was "Dancer"."

"It you told her that was my name punk, I promise that I will kill you," Kenpachi said threateningly.

Ichigo waved his arms frantically. "No, no, the reason that she thought all that stuff was," he suddenly paused, "wait a minute, you guys have never heard of Christmas?"

"What is that?" Ukitake, who was just recovering from a rather bad case of his disease, asked, "Some kind of weird ritual?"

"I guess you could say that," Ichigo said, rubbing the back of his head, "but it is more of a holiday than anything."

"A holiday?" Shunsui asked, a devious smile beginning to overcome his face. This might be a fun day after all.

"I don't know that much about it," Ichigo said, rubbing the back of his head with his hand, "but, there is always a big month before, where lots of people go and shop for stuff."

"SHOP!"

Before anyone could understand what was going on, Rangiku Matsumoto, Hitsugaya's lieutenant, crashed through a wall. As she ran up to Ichigo's cage, from behind her, Renji Abarai, Shuuhei Hisagi, Izuru Kira, and Momo Hinamori fell from the corridor they had been listening through.

"Rangiku!" Hitsugaya shouted furiously, "You know it's against protocol for lieutenants to listen in on Captain's meetings."

"Come on," his subordinate said, "Kira, Momo and Shuuhei run their divisions, and Renji has a bankai, they are already practically captains."

"Then what about you?"

"I just do it because it's fun."

"Matsumoto!"

"Back to the story," Ichigo coughed, causing the room to turn their attention back to him, "So, when we went their, I bought Yachiru a cookie, while we looked around. That's when we finally got to the center of the mall, she noticed the big line. She asked what it was, so I told her, "That's the line to see Santa Claus"."

"So I suppose this is where you told her who this Santa person is," Soi Fon said aloud, to which Ichigo nodded.

"He is this old man who is said to deliver gifts to lots gifts to all good little children on earth," Ichigo said, "I told her that he was supposed to fly around with reindeer, and that he gives everyone lots of toys and presents."

"Which explains why Yachiru would be so excited," Komamura said sagely, nodding his furry head up and down, "but what I don't understand is why Yachiru would rush here, and then jump on captain Yamato's lap and start listing things she wanted?"

"Well, you see, I kind of forgot a long time ago what Santa actually looked like," Ichigo said, "other than the fact that he had a long white beard."

"Santa!" Yachiru shouted, pointing to Yamato. This caused an unexpected response from the Fox Captain.

"Why how generous of you, Captain! I never would of thought that you would take so much time out of your day to help little children," he said with stars practically in his eyes.

"Sajin," Yamato said with a sweat drop developing on his fore head.

"Yes?"

"I don't."

"Oh," Sajin said, before kicking up some dirt silently. The other captains just sweatdropped at his foolishness.

"I want presents Kenny," Yachiru said loudly to Kenpachi, who just stared at Ichigo for assistance.

"Well, I guess we could try to have a Christmas Celebration here in Soul Society," Ichigo said thoughtfully. This caused Yamato to chuckle.

"What, you expect us to drop everything we are doing, including a war with a mad man," The grand captain said, "and spend who knows how long on one giant season of celebrating some old man in a red suit that supposedly gives out free gifts. How preposterous would that-"

"We'll do it!" Shunsui proclaimed, quickly grabbing Ukitake, and talking to Ichigo, "Now we will need you to start explaining the decorations and customs of Christmas to us so that-"

"SHUNSUI!" Yamato shouted angrily, "You can't be serious!"

"Oh, I am," the drunken captain said happily, "and I think it will be good for all of the soul society, you included."

"How so, oh wise drunken student?" Yamato huffed indignantly.

"Well, like you said, we are in a war, so wouldn't it be good to give our soldiers a break," the captain of the eighth division said wisely, "and it could improve your image immensely with the troops."

"What are you talking about? I have everyone's respect and admiration," Yamato said confidently, only for his eyes to open widely when he heard a chuckle.

"Yeah, ordering the execution of a girl for being late, nearly killing your best captains for disobeying you, and then cutting the amount of alcohol dispensed due to a new law against drunkenness, yeah, you are completely loved by your men right now," Ichigo laughed, only to shiver in fear of Yamato's angry spiritual pressure.

"He does have a point," Kenpachi said, unusually being the voice of reason, "my men are just itching to have a fight with you. They want your head for taking away their sake."

Yamato sighed, and then turned to Shunsui.

"I do suppose you have a point."

"Okay," the captain suddenly ran and unlocked the cage that was holding Ichigo, "now since you are our expert, we will need you to get this place decorated."

"Um," Ichigo said, sweating slightly, "I don't really know that much, but," he then pointed his finger up into the air, "I do know a few people who can help."

* * *

How he got pulled into this he would never know. But somehow, Uryu Ishida was now stuck in the same place where most of his ancestors had been slaughtered for the second time that year. Oh yeah… he was supposed to be setting up Christmas decorations.

Ichigo had grabbed him, as well as Chad and Orihime, to work on the transformation of the Soul Society into a place worthy of a Christmas party.

"This is so cool!" the ever loveable Orihime said happily, putting a wreath on a door, "I can't believe we get to celebrate Christmas with all of our new friends."

"Oh yes," Uryu said sarcastically, "I am filled with joy."

"At least you weren't turned into a priest," Chad said, while dressed like none other than a Catholic priest, "Ichigo really needs to get past stereotypes."

"Well you are a catholic aren't you?" Orihime said quickly.

"Yeah."

"So, if a stereotype is true, does that really mean it is a stereotype?"

"It really depends," Uryu said, as another of his long winded speeches began, "You shouldn't judge a person by their race or gender."

As the rather useless conversation wore down, they heard a crash, and turned to see Hanataro lying on his face, covered under a pile of decorations.

"Sorry," the weakling medic said, "I lost control of these boxes, and there is so much to decorate."

"I feel your pain Hanataro," an exasperated Chad said sadly, "It is going to be so hard to just make this place look like Christmas. Does it even snow here?"

"Oh don't worry about that," Hanataro said happily, "Captain Hitsugaya said he would handle making it snow as long as he wouldn't do anything else."

"What?" Uryu asked fearfully, as he suddenly heard a strong gust, and turned to see a blizzard bursting towards him.

(On the top of the judicial building)

"Well my job is done," Hitsugaya said neutrally, "although, now that I think about it, I will probably be much happier now. I won't have to deal with warm days for at least a month, and, Matsumoto won't be able to use her body as well while wearing at least five layers of clothing. Yes, there is no way anyone could be unhappy with this situation."

(People unhappy with this situation)

Uryu sighed, as he attempted to dust the snow off his body. He and Chad, Orihime, and Hanataro were covered like snowmen.

"You know," the Quincy said, "This wouldn't be nearly as bad if I had remembered to pack winter clothing." As he sneezed, he wondered if God had some weird torture hobby.

(More people unhappy with the situation)

Matsumoto sighed, as she rushed back into her head-quarters. That Captain of hers had really done a number on the soul society. And now, she was stuck with a horrific choice, freeze, or wear the only warm thing she owned, a horrific plaid sweater.

"Looks like I'll have to go shopping for some nicer clothes when I look for gifts in the world of the living," she said, before smiling happily, "good thing I stole Captain's wallet!"

(You guessed it, even more unhappy people!)

Byakuya Kuchiki was nothing if not unflappable. Cool, aloft, and unemotional, it was hard to ever see him show any real emotion. So, when Renji walked outside with his captain on this very day, he was treated to a very rare, and at least in Renji's opinion, enjoyable sight.

"MY KOI POND!" the Captain of the Sixth division screamed, as Renji could barely keep from laughing at the frozen fish and their pitiful owner.

* * *

"So," Yamato said, rather unhappily, "How are we going to ask Aizen for a truce? Any shinigami caught there will be executed on sight."

"Don't worry about it," Shunsui said happily while enjoying a nice warm bottle of sake. Really, he needed to do this with the old man more often. Sitting on the porch with warm drinks and watching the kid's snow fall was an enjoyable experience.

"So, who did you send?" the wise captain asked.

"The only one who could get through the entire arrancar army unscathed," Shunsui said happily, as he took another swig of his sake.

(In Las Noches)

Former captain Aizen was exceptionally calm at the current situation. He only had a slight frown. Really, if an entire wall of my castle had been torn down, half of my army destroyed, and my pants pulled down to my ankles to reveal my Sponge bob boxers, all by a little girl, I would be screaming my head off.

"Yachiru Kusajishi," he asked the young pink haired girl who was pointing at him and laughing, "why are you here, when you should be in Soul Society."

"Oh yah," The girl said happily, suddenly pulling out a letter, "Drunk guy wanted me to give you this."

Aizen slowly opened the letter, and began to read. As he read, Ichimaru Gin and Grimmjow walked up, both rather oblivious to the carnage.

"Why the hell is there a shinigami here?" the catlike arrancar said, pointing to Yachiru.

"Apparently," Aizen said slowly, "We have just been offered a truce for the next month, so that the Soul Society may have a special holiday break."

"Well we are not going to? Are we?" Grimmjow said angrily, until he was tapped on the soldier by Gin, who pointed to the hundreds of corpses and the property destruction caused by the girl, "Well, then shouldn't we kill her and then launch some kind of counter attack."

"PS:," Aizen read aloud, "We have twenty clones of her, so if you do not agree, we will unleash them upon you."

"Agree to the truce," Gin said quickly, and when Aizen nodded, Yachiru split and was soon on her way back to Soul Society. Aizen than began to do something that not even Gin had ever seen him do. At first it was a dull chuckle, but soon it was maniacal level laughter.

"I know what we are going to for revenge," Aizen said happily, walking away, "but first I need a Santa suit.

"I say we split before either of us becomes a reindeer," Gin said quietly, only to balk when both he and Grimmjow were grabbed by the nape of their necks, and pulled them into his office.

Is there a Doctor Seuss in the house?

* * *

"Isn't holiday shopping the best?" Matsumoto happily asked her companions. The Shinigami Woman Society was currently shopping for gifts for the entire top tier of the Soul society, plus a few of the more popular lower seeds.

"Hanataro really will love that gift you're getting him Captain," Isane said happily, "the poor guy never gets any real presents."

"Hanataro is like a son to me," Retsu Unohona said, "I know what he would like."

"I can't believe what my Captain made me get him," Nanao said sadly, "he really is a pain."

"No kidding," Byakuya said, as he walked next to them with a few bags in hand.

The Shinigami Woman society stopped for a second, turned, and saw none other than the captain of Sixth Squad walking next to them.

"Um," Nemu, completely unaffected by his presence, began, "Captain Kuchiki, why are you here with us."

"Rukia is needed to help move the Ryoka's stuff to their quarters for the holiday, so I took her duties," he said calmly, before suddenly throwing himself to the ground in shame, "and of course, my koi are all dead, so what else was I going to do?"

Nemu silently patted his shoulder as he began to bawl.

"Whoever new that Byakuya could be so emotional?" Unohona said with a sweatdrop coming from her forehead. All the others could not help but nod their heads in agreement.

* * *

"I wonder what is going on with Orihime," Tatsuki said to her self. She missed her best friend, even with Orihime's weird quirks. She hadn't seen her since she had gotten back from her summer trip.

"Ichigo," Tatsuki seethed, dreaming of choking the carrot top to death. It was all that idiot's fault that she hadn't seen her friend for such a long time. To believe that they had been friends when they were kids. She silently walked up the steps of her friend's house, hoping to finally get an answer out of Orihime. As she opened the door, she did see her friend, but not the one she was expecting.

"Oh, hey Tatsuki," Ichigo said, carrying several boxes of Orihime's luggage. He didn't notice the deep shadow that was developing over Tatsuki's eyes. "What's the…OH god that hurts!"

"Oh hey Tatsuki," Orihime said happily, not seeming to notice the rather painful position that Ichigo currently was in, "Kurosaki was just helping me get my stuff moved for the party I'm going to for Christmas."

"Well," Tatsuki said defiantly, "This time I'm coming with you."

"Wait a minute," Ichigo began to speak up, before Tatsuki slammed her foot down.

"Ohgodnotthefacenottheface…Okaythefacetheface!"

* * *

"So let me get this straight," Zaraki chuckled again, as he looked at a severely bruised Ichigo, "You actually let a new Ryoka come here, just because she beat you up?"

"Yeah."

The giant burst out laughing at the poor strawberry, who desperately looked for some kind of payback. Said payback came when Ikkaku Madarame came flying from the courtyard, covered in bruises, and apparently sporting a broken nose.

"Hey Ichigo!" Tatsuki shouted happily, "I forgive you. And I'll accept coming here as my Christmas present, I don't get many good fights that often." Behind her, half the eleventh division were injured, and all Kenpachi could do was gawk.

"Told you she was tough," Ichigo said smartly, and Zaraki could not help but nod slowly. Suddenly, a feral smile appeared on his face.

"Hey girl!" the pointy haired man shouted, jumping from the building, "let's have some fun!"

"I don't know which of them I am more scared for," Ichigo said sadly.

* * *

"MUSH!" Aizen shouted, as he cracked the whip, causing Grimmjow and Gin, his reindeer, to yelp. They than began to pull harder, as they pulled the sled across the desert towards the nearest portal to Soul Society.

"I knew I shouldn't have agreed to turn traitor," Gin said quietly, only to yelp when the whip swatted the back of his neck again, causing him to pull harder.

* * *

"I can't believe that we have to do this," Tetsuzaemon Iba said aloud, as he and the other members of the Shinigami Men's club were carrying bags. More specifically, the bags that were holding the products that had been bought by the Woman's Society.

"They did say that we would get our funding back if we did this," Kira, covered in boxes, said.

"I don't care what they said," Shuuhei said sadly, "We all know that the instant she can, Nanao will take away our funding."

The men all sighed, as they continued to carry the bags, they suddenly noticed the store they were walking past.

"Oh, I forgot," Hisagi said, with a small smile developing on his face, "I have to get a gift for Sajin." He walked into the store, while the others looked at the sign with strange looks.

"Petsmart?"

* * *

"So why do I have to wear this humiliating suit again?" Yamato asked his subordinate again.

"Because you look a lot like Santa Claus," Shunsui said happily. This did not cause Yamato to lose his glare.

"Did I forget to mention the cookies and milk?" the drunk said happily. The commander's eye's widened.

"Hello kids, Santa is here to listen to your desires!" the old man shouted, running from the building, leaving a smiling Shunsui behind him.

* * *

It was Christmas Eve night, and the entire group of Soul Society's most important members was now sitting in one large room, a warm fire blazing, and decorations covering all the walls. Of course, no one waits until Christmas morning to open all the presents they get.

"Ah," Sajin said happily, picking up the present that Shuuhei had given him, "this is a fine neck ornament, Hisagi."

Of course, Ichigo and Tatsuki had spit out their drinks when they saw that it was nothing more than one rather large, black, collar with spikes sticking out of it. The furry captain put it on happily, and the captain's tail began to wag back and forth.

"Thank you very much," Hanataro said happily, as he put on the Yankee baseball cap, "How did you know I was a fan?"

"You mentioned you always wanted to meet Lou Gehrig and Babe Ruth, so I guessed", Unohona said happily, smiling warmly at her subordinate.

"Thank you so much Kenny," Yachiru said happily, "These candy canes are going to last me a full five minutes."

"You're welcome kid," Kenpachi said happily, before a manic grin covered his face when he walked up to Hanataro, "Hey whelp, look what I got," Kenpachi suddenly showed Hanataro a baseball bat.

"Oh wow, a baseball bat," the boy said excitedly, before noticing something, "Wow, it's been signed. By the…2009 Philadelphia Phillies team?" He then turned to the larger man sadly, "You're going to beat me up, aren't you?"

"DIE YANKEE FAN!" Kenpachi shouted angrily, as he, Ikkaku and Yumichika charged after the boy, hoping to take out their lost World Series anger on Hanataro.

"I can't believe that jerk actually beat me into a hospital bed for two days," Tatsuki said angrily.

"You shouldn't feel too bad," Ichigo offered consolingly, "you didn't have a sword, and still somehow you managed to give him a few bruises. That is more than most Shinigami can claim."

"What about you?" she asked nonchalantly.

"Oh, I put him in the hospital for a few…days," a bead of sweat developed on his head when he saw the girl begin to sulk.

"Thank you very much," Nemu said happily, though you couldn't really tell, as she held up a brand new Santa style miniskirt, "This is my second official outfit."

"You're welcome," Uryu said while pushing his glasses up onto the bridge of his nose, "I used a special cotton fiber, that-"

"Now for my gift to you," she said, before grabbing his face, and pulling him into one very long kiss. After approximately five minutes, people were taking bets on what would happen next. Ichigo had five on Uryu being dissected by Captain Kurotsuchi, Tatsuki, recently awakened from her misery, had ten that Nemu would take him then and there.

Fortunately, neither occurred, as the two decided to go and talk. Hitsugaya just smiled as he collected his money. Really, people should not bet with him.

"Thank you very much, Chad," Shuuhei said as he began to practice his new guitar, "I really wanted a new one, and this one is really cool."

"It was no problem," Chad said solemnly, "I just hope you don't lose this one."

"Hey Ichigo!" Ichigo and Tatsuki turned, and their eye's widened in shock when they saw Rukia, "look at this bunny outfit that Renji got me!"

Oh, it was a bunny outfit alright, but it wasn't a fluffy Easter bunny, but a hot Play Boy Bunny outfit. This explained why Renji was currently running from his life from Byakuya. Of course, they felt that Renji felt it was worth it. There was more than just a little blood dripping from his nose.

Suddenly, they heard some rustling from the roof, and suddenly the ceiling burst open, and former Captain Aizen fell down.

"Ah ha!" The villain exclaimed, "Now that I have successfully snuck into soul society, I will now proceed to steal all of your presents as revenge for destroying my army!"

Everyone just stared at him.

"So," Ichigo said with wide eyes, "You were actually dumb enough to dress up as Santa, come into a room with people who hate your guts out, forget your sword, and not bring any back up?"

"No, I have back up," Aizen said wisely, only to turn around, and yelp in horror, "Gin, Grimmjow, what are you doing!?!"

"What?" Gin asked, as Rangiku continued to kiss him, "I've been a good little traitor, I deserve my present."

"Sorry Lord Aizen," Grimmjow said, rolling on the ground with a ball of twine in his hands, "but this string, I just can't control myself."

"Uh oh," Aizen said, before in rapid succession, Komamura, Yamato, Ukitake, Ichigo, and Kenpachi all dived on top of him, causing him to scream like a little girl.

* * *

So, that pretty much raps up this holiday tale. Gin and Grimmjow managed to save Aizen after several hours of making out with Matsumoto and playing with string respectively.

Tatsuki began to fit in well with Soul Society, so much so that Kenpachi offered her his fourth seat if she would die soon. She flat out rejected this offer.

For some reason, Hitsugaya was a different person Christmas morning, happily opening presents like a mad man, chewing on the candy that Ukitake had happily given to him. All of it appeared to be from a snow globe that had a small note that said, May the heart of a child reside in you once more. No one decided to read the back of the card, which would read, "FROM: Santa"

Of course, everyone received nice presents, though what was unusual was the fact that Shuuhei had received the most cards. It surprised even him, though the Women Society smiled at each other knowingly. The poor guy did do something very nice for the dog of a captain, so he did deserve something for his troubles.

Ichigo did receive a nice present from Orihime. Who new that despite her awful cooking, she could produce such a nice fruitcake?

Of course, his gift from Tatsuki was not as heart warming. She had been so mad about him being stronger than her, that she challenged her to a fight. Without going Bankai he beat her, and her resolve to train only grew. So, Ichigo shouldn't have been surprised when he got a mouth piece and a pair of boxing gloves.

But it was the note on the gift that filled Ichigo with fear.

_Merry Christmas You Idiot_

_May you be filled with Good Cheer_

_Watch your back though_

_Round Two is NEXT YEAR!_

* * *

AN: and once again, a one shot helps releive my stress. I hope you liked my first endeavor into the bleach universe, and that you found the story rather funny. I love Christmas, but Wrestling and Exams really cut into my time. Let's just be glad that Exams are over, and hopefully I can escape my coach soon enough. Please read and review.


End file.
